sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
