If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Operation Purity has been aborted
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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