U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
