i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
