thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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