I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
