youre lurking in front of me
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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