she looked like the bat from fern gully.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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