I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
