Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
