got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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