I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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