I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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