yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
