i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
