White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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