I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
this boner is exhausting
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
