This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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