He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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