What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
