so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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