how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
