Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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