I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
