my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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