Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
