i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
