Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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