Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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