you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
