The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
