just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
