I wannas sexs uuuuu
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
