Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
