he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
