I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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