rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Randomize
