your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
