the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
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He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
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He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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