I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
