They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
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as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
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I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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