oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
