let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
