u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Randomize
