New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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