How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
