checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
