You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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