You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
