my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
