A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
