It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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