He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
