I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
