The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
