Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
