just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
