I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
