sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize