Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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