apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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